The word ‘happy marriage’ could be a mirage to some folks surely while to others it is a reality. The difference between these two sets of people is ‘wisdom’. The ability to understand when to exercise your right and authority, when to put the word out, using refined words on your spouse and all, these are the basics of a peaceful marriage.
Suffice to say that love does not guarantee a successful and peaceful marriage; I call it the mechanism that starts a marriage but not the one to fuel it. There are certain invariable mechanisms which are the impetus behind a successful and happy marriage. Identifying and engaging these mechanisms with aplomb will not only make your marriage enjoyable but long-lasting, fruitful and enjoyable.
Well, I would not have gone through such heat in my marriage if I knew these things, of course, you wouldn’t blame me it’s my first marriage, call me inexperience at that time and you’ll be right. I really believe this few paged book will help you position yourself for the task of ensuring that your marriage works.
Marriage – My First Thought
Initially, I thought marriage was all about a man taking over a woman’s future, being in-charge, taking decisions alone, being respected wholeheartedly even when you aren’t right, in order words I was going in as a commander and ruler. These ideas to me made a marriage work, any conception aside these meant all wasn’t going on well in that house.
My wife, on the other hand, came with an entirely different perception, she on her part thought it was an equal power thing, we possessing same power, same right and same position except when it concerns expenditure then it’s entirely mine, funny right? So you could guess we were in for a war because she was never going to give in easily and I the self-acclaimed Master was never going to allow her to douse on my authority.
Every little misunderstanding unavoidably leads to a serious exchange of abusive words, insults thrown around, kept escalating to a point of both parties becoming physical. Our siblings played roles of peacemakers consistently till everyone got tired, all fed up, don’t want to hear any more of the mêlée, we knew they were tired but none of us was ready to genuflect, none wanted to lose, we both wanted to win and that didn’t drench the incessant affrays.
This got going for over three years, I would ask myself what I got myself into, she was demonic, she was disrespectful, she was uncultured, she was senseless, she was this, she was that… Trust me you wouldn’t want to be in my shoe then because my world was a rile one. Most times I’ll lock myself up in my car and sleep, get me a nice scotch or vodka and you can guess the rest.
You know what I call all these above? IMMATURITY, IGNORANCE, AND LACK OF UNDERSTANDING
As a young man I had aspirations and this certainly wasn’t part of it, I wanted a peaceful domicile where I’ll always wish to rush back after work, where I could confide in, relax my nerves, smile around, now that’s my dream home.
Now there was something I knew “I had to do something either to end this marriage or make it work”. The first option was easy with lots of implications while the second was tough, it had to do with my ego, my pride and completely me going against my marriage perception. So you mean I had to become weak and stupid just for my marriage to work? That’s a tough one you know, but I had to sit and think, yeah I love my wife and that was a good starting point, I would not let her go except she wants to, I’ll always tell myself and I guess that really helped.
I told myself one day, my wife is not as bad as she looks, I must have seen something before deciding to put the ring, what was that thing? I decided to find that thing and you know what, it was her smile and sincerity, naturalness and genuineness. So I said to myself, I’m going to make her smile always for four weeks and see what will come up next, now this smiling will be an everyday thing even when she’s wrong, even when I’m wounded.
Learn from these three events;
- It happened two days after, we had a little argument and she affronted me, really certain she expected me to retaliate, she was in for a surprise I said to myself. I left the house for 1 hour and came back with a new pair of clothes for her. Now, this was the scenario;
Me: Baby how are you?
My wife: Am I crying? I am okay.
Me: These are for you (handed over the clothes). Thought you might like them I whispered.
My wife: Hold on, so upon all those things I said, you got me this? (Feeling remorse).
Me: Well, you are my wife, I’m instructed to love you irrespective of your wrong attitude and insults.
My Wife: I’m sorry, please forgive me.
Now she was doing this for the first time, are you kidding me? I didn’t believe this, that my wife could actually apologize, a point scored I muttered to myself. So I learned that sometimes to earn respect you first have to show humility and respect, respect is earned by leaders while fear is earned by rulers. I didn’t want my wife to be afraid of me but to respect me.
- Two days later she woke up to see dishes washed, kitchen cleaned by my humble self, she couldn’t believe this, she thanked me as I was leaving for work. I came back to see my clothes washed, my room cleaned and a prompt call to the dining table. So I was the reason there was no peace in my home, I told myself.
- I can recall the Saturday following that day, we had a misunderstanding and before the argument could escalate I told her the magic word. Now, this magic word speaks volume but it’s almost difficult for men to use, the best we can do to arrest situations is to bring out this magic word, trust me if every man accepts this fact then almost 80% marriages will be peaceful. Curious are you? Relax it is a common word we hear but it’s hard to utter, this word thrills even the hard-hearted, it breaks the toughest, calms every situation, suffice to say it is the antidote to every problem. The word “I am sorry”.
On this particular day, she was actually at fault but I didn’t care, I really wanted a change so I had to explore and make use of new tactics. Couldn’t believe she also responded with the same word “I am sorry too”. The intending scuffle was averted. Not only did I win but I made my wife become instantly humble, she was still hallucinating, couldn’t believe or understand why I changed so much in a matter of weeks.
In these four weeks, I changed my wife, hold on did I say changed my wife? I think the truth is that
- I changed myself from always expecting so much from her without giving much to not expecting anything from her,
- I changed from always demanding respect to earning it,
- I showed her the right thing to do by first doing them.
Trust me women are very good retaliators, when you scream at her, she’s going to scream a million times back, when you apologize, she’s going to do that a million time, when you love her trust me she’s going to respect you with her entire life.
Most times, men forget it’s hard to be submissive in today’s world, things have changed and with most women clamoring for gender equality, it takes a real man to make them submissive. Trust me, you are never going to achieve that with force, no amount of talking can pull that off. Do you want to see her submissive? Then live it. See her respectful? You got to show her what respect means by respecting her. Want her to use the magic word? Use it first.
Marriage is not for boys, this is a fact because as a man you are definitely going to change some part of you if the need arises to ensure your marriage works, though it doesn’t mean you become weak, nah this isn’t a weakness but wisdom. Once in a while you show some annoyance when she goes out of line, this helps too because woman has the tendency of mistaking simplicity for weakness and may take advantage of that. You really need wisdom for your marriage to work and as a man, it is your sole responsibility, she is just going to follow in your footsteps.
You want the house cleaned, floors mopped always, have you done that yourself before?
However, there are women that will be submissive and respect you irrespective of your attitude towards them but if you come across a wife like mine then you need to work harder to achieve a result.
HOW I SEE MARRIAGE PRESENTLY
Marriage is a coming together of man and wife and they two become one (according to the bible). This bonding is a soul thing and therefore each spouse should see his or her self in each other. This is the core of marriage, humility from both parties will solve many problems, no one has the singular responsibility of saying the magic word ‘I am sorry’, never get tired of saying it. If you have the psychological strength to say that word even when you are offended then you are ready for marriage.
When you can skip some fun or leisure time to assist your spouse then you are ready for marriage. It’s about sacrifice, you have to give away your happiness most times to please your spouse and the mysterious thing about this is that you’ll end up being excited.
Don’t get me wrong, love plays a vital role in marriage but what keeps marriages going and what guarantees successful marriages is MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING.
- Men should not always see it as a sign of weakness or stupidity to help the wife out in the kitchen, assists in washing her clothes, forgiving her even when she hasn’t apologized yet. Most importantly loving her even when you don’t feel like loving her, a man has to see it as a duty to love his wife.
- Women should not understand submissiveness to be a weakness, always place the husband as the head and conscious of this fact at all times. Submit to your husband even in odd times, times you feel he doesn’t deserve it but still submits then I tell you that marriage will work.
Now after four years of scuffles, abuses and anger I can now say that my marriage is working, this wasn’t possible until I being the head started living as a leader, showing a good example by my attitude not just talking.
Oh, that reminds me, I increased the number of calls when I am away, the texting even when I don’t feel like, these all help nourish my marriage and trust me, she calls back like she owns a network.